its been a long time

Well it's been awhile since I've written anything. And where may I have been or up to? Good question I'm asking myself the very same thing at this moment in time. As I sit here in this incredibly hot and humid weather in Ontario. I have come to realize that everything that I once cherished and enjoyed I simply forgot about.  Forgot about my love of music, dance and acting. And why haven't I gone back to it? Is it because I gained weight and no longer feel comfortable in public? Is it because I become insecure when im surrounded by people who seem to have their shit together?
    Funny I used to believe once I would conquer the world. That I was gonna be as big as Madonna, Cher, Britney Spears. And now I feel so meek and mild compared to all thats out there. Yes I still write lyrics. Yes I still want to record them. But where does one start? See this has been my challenge. Im finally ready to record something and get it out there. Im finally ready to come out there as me and say take me "as I am". I guess the hard part for me is allowing myself to appear vulnerable or that I need help. Pride can be a bitch at times and slow you down. So here I am ready to get on this journey and struggle for a bit. anyways just a tad bit for now. Theres ore to come about my past and what has been my journey incase anyone wants to understand me. Hugs and kisses to all,


                                                             Dita xoxo

Wondering??

    As i sit in my hotel in downtown toronto and listen to Shirley Bassey sing let's get this party started, I wonder what to do with myself when i finish my credits for high school! Yes i am finishing high school at age 35. Not my hottest moment in life but it is something that i feel needs to be done. So i'm now torn as to what to do when i finish. Do i head east and live where my good friends are and go to school there? Or do i stay home and attend university of manitoba for film and psychology? I could attend just film school out east but i'm sorta wanting to do my psychology degree at same time. Why do we need to be tested this way. And i'm usually one who gives into the quick gratification!! I mean don't get me wrong its nice to see family and such but the city is so damned boring. Things that are fresh and new to people there i've already done many times over! anyways this is todays blog. Any ideas people? Let me know

My Chemical Haze Part 1

      Okay so i will admit i have had my share of drug filled nights and days!! And i'm surprised with all the amounts of drugs i have taken in my life that i am still around and still somewhat together in the head or am i? hahaha! So where do we begin. Well i guess we could start with the first drug that i think most of us use is weed. I remember smoking weed with friends and with family friends when babysitting. Then as most of us move onto it was hash! I remember once running away from home and heading to friends apartment and i hot knifed so much hash i was green in face. And at that point my grandmother and my aunt showed up and grabbed me to take me home and all i could think was i was gonna be sick. My aunt however god bless her knew i was high and took me for fries and gravy and we had a good laugh!! Must admit the women in my family are pretty crazy and dominant could be why i am the way i am!!!My other aunt who for some reason seems to be the one i've done most of my firsts with took me to a party in the north end. It was the summer when i was working at a fishing lodge as a dock hand. So i would have had to been 15 and had a huge paycheck. So aunt took me to party where i ended up paying for the booze. But all of a sudden someone shows up and has acid. So my aunt asks me if i've ever done acid before i said no she asks me if i wanna try i said sure so i bought us a hit of acid each!!! So an hour later my aunt asks me if i'm high. I said no she asks well how do you feel and i said i just feel like smiling and laughing. She then says to me you're high. That night was fun and filled with booze and tons of fun. I remember my aunts ex boyfriend showed up and had some drunk indian with him who he kept trying to get me to go fuck. Hahaha so funny everyone was always trying to make me a man outta me!! Anyways i remember we ran out of chairs in the dinning room we were partying in and i ended up in sitting in a high chair all night long laughing my ass then.
       Acid was my drug of choice for a very long time. On time three of us took it and two of us went our seperate way and the other on their own and we met up a few hours later and we had all shaved our heads without talking to one another. And the funny thing is i was Dita at this point and an escort and didn't have hair all of a sudden. Thank god for big hats and Joanne my make-up artist friend who gave me my blade runner inspired look to go with my bald head!! Some of my other friends and i used to take acid each time there was a party at the kings theater! And when the party was over i'd be the one driving us all over the city and most of which would be in st.boniface where the streets are all one way. So we would go to 711 and get our drinks with huge pupils and then when we left. Someone in the car forgot to get something. So imagine you're working in 711 and in walk this group with crazy hair and make up with huge pupils come in and go about 4-5 times right after they leave!! Needless to say we had alot of fun. So Acid was my fun till i finally one night at the kings theater i was on acid and i was dumped by my bf which i think to myself why the hell was i dating some scrawny white boy who looked like kasey from mr.dress up. How embarassing to admit to all of you i got dumped by that. Anyways so i was in the barthroom with my friends repeating to myself did i just get dumped or am i tripping out? I must be tripping!! And no i wasn't tripping than along comes Miss Boobies and says to me here honey i have something for you that will make you feel better!!! That something was my first line of coke!!! Boy did it make me feel good so good that i sashayed my ass out of that bathroom and standing in front of the doors to get to the theater where the party was the kasey lookalike  and i pushed his scrawny sorry ass to the side he flew so far and i entered that party and danced. Was a good time!!
        Cocaine was my obsession for a very long time. I've smokes it with tobacco, i've shot it up which was an amazing high but left marks on my body. But wow what great sex i had though the marks on my body was not worth the high of this wannabe fashionista's  lifestyle. I've smoked it as crack ofcourse with my aunt who couldn't get me it as coke!! hahaha wow i've done it all and i loved it. Back then in the winnipeg days it was a 50 dollar night habit! So expensive i know but that was my thing until all my friends came back from montreal and toronto talking about xtc. To be continued!!!!
      

Self Reflections

         So today i had to come to terms with my first fiance marrying my friend. They are getting married this saturday! And yes i should be happy for them as they're both good people. But i wouldn't be so upset if their wedding got hit by a crashing plane and they all burned to death!!  I know sound bitter but hey i could lie and say its all good!!! Anyways on to the subject i wish to discuss.
        
         So lately i've been seeing all my friends and alot of their faces don't move. And certain areas are a lil rounder and fuller and lips bigger than hell. And i must say i think it just looks ridiculous. It's like they all think they're in beverly hills. What i don't understand is why destroy the genetics ur parents gave you. Which is kinda of funny as i went and got tits. But my face is always the same. Sure i've thought about a nose job and hip implants. But when it comes time to do it do i want loose silicone in my ass and hips just so i could feel complete. And a nose job to look like jennifer tillys sounds great at times but then i wouldnt look like my brother and sister anymore. How do you look in the mirror after all that work. Are my lady friends so desperate for a mans attention that they have to change their appearance to get it? Are they not secure in who they are as a person? And don't you wonder if a man is that much into plastic is he really even into you? Or is he more into mans creation than natural creation? Personally i find natural creation prettier than some man made work. And isn't it false advertising to your husband. Especially if you're a real lady and you give birth then out comes this child with your original nose!!! Anyways i just think its funny and sad like Taylor from RHBV her head looks like its caving in and her lips remind me of daffy duck. Seriously people is this what we're becoming!!! Makes me wanna take my titties out and slap you with them!!!
         Next on blog my k trips!!!!

Madonna and influence!!!

Today i was listening to madonna and watching her videos. And i was inspired to write about her and her impact on my life. AS you may know from previous blogs i would rent early madonna videos on vhs when i was with my father. My mother never liked her when i was younger and thought she was a slut. But i always had admiration for her. Her music always made me happy and was like my guidance through life knowing i was always different and not afraid of things that others may not understand!!! I remember when her true blue album came out and i was in grade 5 and it was the annual end of year bbq or park party for us. We had an airband contest or lip synching contest whatever you may call it. And i decided to borrow my gfs jean skirt from across the street and wear red lipstick and do white heat!!! I was in a public park and dancing in a skirt in drag and dancing my ass off. I came in second place. I would sing and dance to madonna anytime i heard her. I actually think she is the reason i lost weight. She inspired me and i felt the need to try to emulate her throughout my life. As i always felt different. I have had all her hair styles and eyebrows throughout my life. I had the dreaded i'll remember haircut and brows. I also made the mistake for removing my brows to draw them in like deeper and deeper and haven't been able to grow them back in. And the more i emulated her the more i got lost from my upbringing and myself. She is also the reason i have the name dita. Before i was dita i would go to the bar at age 15 as veronica or flame or simone. Depending on the hair colour i had. And i remember army officers at the grant in winnipeg giving me roses and trying to score with me. Hahaha but when erotica came out i came into contact with F my drag queen friend who got me my first performance as madonna in a club. And since then i was known as Dita. And to this day i am known as her. I never really tried to understand all she has done or why she has until i met guido. Who made me reflect on my life and all i do. Then it came to me one day when i was all alone and in a ketamine state. I began to think of the women before her who were often judged for their actions that were not considered ladylike. And she was showing us the world the actions of a man but as a woman. And how everyone was so quick to judge yet we couldn't help be be fascinated. From scandalous topics as being a pregnant tenager. To a black jesus which if you truly think about it jesus was from a place that was very sunny and hot so why wouldn't he be black??? Jesus also was a jew who knows maybe he was trying to say don't cast the first stone or educate us on the man upstairs. Anyways back to madonna. So i began to think about women and how supposedly they were made from adams rib. And because of the story of how she ate from the forbidden fruit and that is why man was cast out of eden. And women then became sort of considered bad. Yet if she was given knowledge then why does man not listen to her? And that maybe she feels that women throughout history have been given the short end of  the stick when the legend says she ate from the tre knowledge so was man jealous of the knowledge she gained. And if so why did he mistreat her in past and not have any consequences??? Anyways when she finally did ray of light i began to understand her. And relate even more to her. She lost her mother at 5 and my dad left us at 5. Feeling alone and different from the beginning. She has taken us as humans to see that through all our different cultures we all believe in a good a light! And that god is in all of us. From any religion. And that is what i take from madonna that god loves all of us and that we are all iving for the same thing. Life love and understanding!!! She will always be my hero and mentor. Unafraid to go into the dark to come through to the light! It's not about the dance beats its about the message and throughout her career it has always been to understand and listen to someones story!! I hope you feel as i do!!!

My birth father!!!

      So most of us go through life with one father. And have a bond that you can carry through life!!! So here is the story of my two dads. First my birth father and second my stepfather H.
       My birth father was born in a small northern manitoba town. He met my mother when he would visit his cousin who was in juvenial detention. They we're both 16 when they met and were very much in love. This was the 70's so life was pretty much about freedom and exploration. My mother got pregnant at 16 and had me at 17. They lived together in the city of winnipeg. Apparently my dad liked to drink alot and would beat my mother. I remember seeing them fight but my mother would always send me away to my auntie who lived on third floor of the building we lived in. Anyways my dad and i when i was young would go to the fair and do fun things. He taught me how to ride my bike i remember this as it was just after a rain shower and there were puddles everywhere. And when he let go of the back of my banana seat bike from canadian tire i fell into a puddle as trying to see my mother on the balcony behind me where she was watching!!! We used to have fun when he was sober but his drinking got worse and the fights got worse aswell. I remember being outside and seeing his clothes go flying off the balcony and a black budha we had which hit the ground and didn't break.So they seperated and then my mother changed my last name to hers. I didn't see him again for awhile after that!!
      Then one day when i was about 8 he came around as he was in a nearby halfway house for alcohol and drug abuse. So he asked my mom one day if he could have me on weekends! She said yes as she didn't want me to go through life without knowing my father and also we lived on a street where most kids didn't know their dad! So on weekends he would pick me up and we would do events such as see movies on the army base or swimming at pan am. It was always a fun time we would even rent vhs movies and i would always pick out madonna's like a virgin videos!! hahaha!! Then one day when i was waiting for him to come get me after a terrible ride on the school bus home where i would often get picked on. I waited and waited with my bag and he never showed up!!!! I was heartbroken!! But i always had my mother!!!
      One day later on my twelvth birthday he called me and asked to take me out for my dinner. We went to garbonzos where i had chicken cacciatore and a rootbeer in a mug. He gave me a book of Garfields nine lives!! Then i never saw him again. Then when i was 15 and not living at home as i ran away i got his number and he was living in vancouver. We spent many hours chatting on the phone!!! I was so happy to be in touch with him especially as i wasnt living at home with my mom. I was envisioning moving there with him and having a great life!! So one day when my aunt was visiting with her bf in from vancouver and i was living with my grandmother. Her bf had to go to vancouver and so i decided to go there and surprise my father. So when i had gotten to vancouver i called my father. And this is just when call display came out, i called and he was so happy to hear from me and to know i was in vancouver. He told me to call back in two hours and we would do something while i was in town. I had never been so happy and excited. So i called and guess what??? No answer there was no answer for the whole time i was in vancouver!!! I had never been disappointed in my life. So back to winnipeg to family who was there for me always!!!
       I'm 17 and living at my grandmothers still who was away at work at a fishing lodge. So i had the place to myself. One day when i was out at my aunts my father calls and turns out he's back in winnipeg. And at this time i'm already Dita living as a woman. He asks to speak to me and when i get on the phone he starts going off on me about wearing the mark of the beast and how could i disgrace the family?? So as anyone who is infuriated i went off on him saying who the hell do you think you are? You were never there for me. You did nothing for me in my life. You're nobody i hate you i wish you were dead and i hung up. So about a week later i'm at home(granny's) and my mother calls and says she wants to come over for a pot of tea. So i put it on and when she gets there she says she talked to granny and has some news to me and asks me to sit. So here i am worried about my grandmother. And my mother begins to tell me that they found my father dead and that he had shot himself in the face. I got up and said oh well serves him right! Then began to chug a beer!! My mother calls me by my real name and says don't be like that!! I then broke down and cried. So this is two weeks before my 18th birthday which in manitoba is when you become legal to drink. His funeral was set for the day after my birthday which already landed on a sunday and back then you couldn't drink on a sunday!!!
        Funeral day outta respect i dressed as a boy as best as i could. Brought my cousin with me and we sat there listening to people speak of my father and my grandfather spoke of everyone in the family except for me. Kinda of rude my father just died and i am totally forgotten at the funeral his only legitmate child ignored. But after the funeral i met many of his friends who said they thought he was always lying when he would mention a son. So it was nice to know he talked of me even though he wasn't in my life!!! I still wish i could have said nicer things to him and that day i need you in my life. But thats something i will never get the chance and have to remember that he loved me no matter what. Maybe he was unable to be there cause he was dealing with his own issues. But he was my father and no one else would ever be!!!

So the other day someone asked me about my old photos of when i was young and thin. And told me you wouldn't believe that was me. So i began to look at my face in the mirrow to look at what time and age has done to me. First off i notice my face in rounder these days as i tend to eat instead of the 8ball of coke and 6 viles of ketamine a day diet i was on back then. To think i would wake up at noon head off to wild oscars and start my day off at a table alone with my fritatta and then a pitcher of sangria. but by end of day my table would be full with people who loved to party. This is when house music was good and not the electronic sound of today. Which to me sounds like it was made for those who do crystal and can bounce all over the place nonstop!!! My body today which at times i look like im about to give birth goes up and down. I do look back and wonder how the hell im still alive with all that i put my body through and so many of my friends have died. I know where i started to get fat it was after i met guido. The italian and my first true love!!! I rememeber how we met. I was dancing at Fly nightclub one night topless as usual.( play beautiful stranger by madonna here remixed)  When i notice some guy just standing at there staring at me like some perv. And me i was high on xtc and for some reason i tend to be a bitch when high. So i went up to him and said "can i help you?" he replied no and went on his way!!! Later that week i was at my friends J place and we were taking photos of me showing my tits holding a dildo between my legs.Apparently later that week the guido was at J's place and my friend D was there and they were staring at the pics of me and bhe began to tell them story of how he was watching me dance. They both looked at the guido and said you know if you remove the dildo from between her legs and removed her clothes she would have a penis. Apparently the guido was intrigued. So D called me up who had set me up with my previous bf who was hungarian and just disappeared without saying goodbye. Damn i hate that. So on the phone he says to me i have this guy who wants to meet you. I reply look what happened with the last guy you hooked me up with. So then i ask is he cute. He says yes so i ask to speak to him. I say hi how are you he answers fine i say if you wanna meet me tonight i[ll be at the barn. He says he can't he has plans i say oh well too bad that was your chance and hang up!! At that point in life i was going through a power trip.

        So after gay pride that year where i worked my ass off in rehearsals preparing to do madonna's frozen ( insert remix here). Staying up for days on in having to host parties and entertain. Then at grand rehearsal to find out that my manager who planned whole show forgot that there would be these built in boxes on stage. At this point i had four hours of sleep in 3 days with only a handful of popcorn and a slice of pizza to eat. thus i was moody as hell and there is me going off on managaer about this problem. And Veronica who was there to perform release me and somebody to hold said i looked fine. Though me being incredibly tired and prolly having a come down moment from the drugs just said fuck it im leaving we will deal with this when i get back. And left the rehearsal to go home to cry on phone to friend. Ended up going to show and all dressed and ready to go gave my dancers a bump of coke and ketamine before stage then i realized i had to pee. Thus right when i'm about to head to the bathroom as i had to pee badly i have to be on stage. So there i was on stage in first position for show sitting on a  stage in my light blue organza skirt and bikini top havign to pee. And all i can feel is the bass on stage and i'm thinking to myself OMG i'm gonna pee myself here infront of thousands of gays who would never let me live that down!! But then the light came onto me and i began my show without peeing myself. Though when number was done and everyones trying to congradulate me i was running down the stairs to pee. And i must admit was one of those pees where all your stress just goes away. Then spent rest of night partying till i got too sketchy and ended up in cab on way home to finally sleep.

So at this point you're prolly well where is she going. Well since i didnt really get the chance to party during pride i decided to head to the Web. A club in toronto. When i walk in my hairdresser comes running up to me and says oh my god Dita guido's here? I'm like who's guido and then he explains and then brings him over. And all i can think when i meet to him is damn i'm in love. He was hot great body brunette with thick hair and brown eyes that smile but say mischeivious at same time. So we hung out i would go dance come back and talk to him. So by the end of the night i was getting tired and i said to him okay i['m gonna go home and watch a movie. He says goodbye i aid no i'm giong home to watch a movie did you wanna come? He says yes and we are on our way to my place i shared with my bff P. So when we get home iu go to put in a movie the vhs kind and i turn around and he's there naked. I was like what the fuck?  He says i thought we were gonna fuck. I said sorry i thought we were gonna watcha  movie and talk. At this point in my life i was 24 and had only one guy try to fuck me before him and it was got in and right out it hurt too much so basically i was an anal virgin. So we just eneded up doing the bj thing and cuddling all night long. This was the begging of our relationship. We went to dinner and clubbing when he wasn't working at the restaurant. We had a very good time. Though he was pressing for sex. I remember three weeks into the relationship he came over my friends were upstairs and he kept going you know dita i was the biggest plyer i could have any girl i wanted. If she didnt put out within two weeks i was out the door. So i yelled back and pointed and said theres the door be on your way. There was no way i was gonna be forces into getting fucked. Not how i imagined it would be. So he left and there i was alone. Though half an hour later he was at my place with flowers and apologizing. And i said when i'm ready we will do it. So another three weeks went by and it was after a night pf partying on xtc coke mushrooms and ketamine i was ready to get fucked. No wonder if you tink about allt he drugs i took i wasn't feeling a thing. So there we go i'm ready and he couldn't get it up!!!! But first thing the next mornign when we woke up we did it and it was amazing. From then on in i was hooked 3 times a day!!! He was wo sexy and we did it everywhere we could. So not only was he good in bed he was great in the kitchen. And taught me how to make some seafood pasta and stuff. And he began to show me the joy of good food. So after he quit waitering to become a dealer we began to party too much. Our nights were out at clubs have sex and wake up to a pizza or a burger from mr.tasty in toronto which i must say their home made banquet burger is the best you can get!!! So i began to gain weight. As the year and half of our relationship came to an end we began to fight more and more. So our fist fight  was in the street where he slapped me and i slapped him back. This went on for awhile then he hit me in the back with a broom so i punched him in the face a few times and ripped off his white gold chain his nana sent to him from italy. WE then went rolling around on the street where some guy tried to come to my rescue but Giodo went after him and i said i was fun i then kicked him in the balls. Where he yelled i should kick the faggot out of your ass. So i screamed back me faggot what the hell does that make you when i have my cock in your ass!! Lil did i know his friends were watching from the window. OOPS!!! Our final moment was after a night of partying where we went to friends bday boatcruise and he left me all day long while he had strippers hanging off him and left je alone while he partied with his ex gf. So then We went back to my place his ex in tow. And then partied all night long which was fine till we went back to his place to score more drugs and his roommate said to him remember when ic ame into the room this morning and you were in bed with the ex and i asked you to leave me that pill. Then my head started to put it toggether he didnt come see me the night before after the party cause he was sopposedly tired yet he was in bed with her. So we went back to my place partied and in the morning we broke up and he left. And left all his drugs with me so i had my friends over and partied my ass off all on Guido!!!  Later that week i did my show at five and when he walked in funny enough i was doing whitney houstons i learned from the best HQ remix. To find out he broke my heart since he was cheating on me with the ex the one i said maybe you should tell her why you left. And backfired in my face. To this day my heart has not recovered from that break up. And must admit i look at men differently. And began to eat myself to where i am today 205lbs. Thats crazy i know. But men don't look at me the way they used to. And now i dont even wanna look at myself. Guess its time to go back to the gym. To get those model features but at a healther weight than i was before. Our youth may fade but with age come wisdom and true beauty of personality as we begin to know ourselves!!!